Fix one thing at a time ? But what ? The part of myself who wants to eat everything I see in a store, who can eat two chocolate tablets a day ? The part of myself who is confused at what she should do with her love life or the one who is stressed about the move ? It\’s just patience I\’m lacking but the unknown does harsh things on me.
I like to think of myself as a strong young woman, fearless, reckless, able to do anything. But sometimes it\’s just not possible for me to keep track of everything going on in my life even though I often see it as too empty and boring for my liking.
It\’s hard these days. My ex-boyfriend and I have broken up exactly a month ago and I\’m trying to move on just as hard as he is. But it\’s hard. Before I leave for London, we\’re going to be roommates still and I can\’t seem to find my place in life as I live in this situation. Everything is going well but there\’s the stress of everything. Of being on my own after a 5-year relationship. Of going to live in another, completely different country at 24.
I\’ve always felt like I was late on life.
Too late for everything. Not accomplished enough. Everything is going too fast but so slow at the same time and I\’ve felt like life was passing me by since I was 12 when I first decided I would go live in the USA to live the American dream.
A few months ago, I got my life back on track with a strength of mind I didn\’t know I had and completely changed my way of eating. Only real food, no more junk food and I even came to a point where I didn\’t feel the urge to eat sugar or junk or any fake, processed food anymore. But when you let that devil in once again, it\’s like what Dua Lipa says in her song : \”if you\’re under him, you ain\’t getting over him\”.
I\’m addicted to sugar and the Conquer Your Mind tattoo on my arm is meant to remind me that I can overcome this addiction. Is the world poisoning me or am I ? I can\’t blame the world for choices I make. Or can I, knowing that I am purely human and that it is human to want something that\’s right before your eyes ?
What happened to me ? How am I striving to get my intermittent fasting done every single day ? How am I not even counting hours and eating shit at every single hour of the day ? How am I not saying no to processed food offered to me ?
Is it just the breakup and stress ? But what happens when I move to London ? I\’ve seen how people eat there. Or have I seen the wrong people eat wrong things ? Will I get a chance, will I make eating right again a thing to save my life ? My heart, my brain and guts ?
I used to be the person able to fast for two, three or four days on end. My little sister is getting her life on track thanks to intermittent fasting and my best friend is now on One Meal A Day intermittent fasting. What happened to me ? Why am I late again ? Am I a person who has feelings but conceals them behind endless eating ? Surely you can\’t blame it all on food. Since food is not the problem, it shouldn\’t be the solution. So why am I making it my solution – and then my problem once again…
As I was writing this post, I listened to : James Blunt – Cold.