I remember the day you took this picture of me very well. It was such a soothing day, a Sunday when I didn\’t have to work and it was sunny, we were celebrating the Hanami near Paris. I had such a great day with you, reading under the cherry trees and eating the food we\’d prepped for lunch. It was all before. Before the end. Before the beginning.
I never felt like I was truly yours and you were mine. I am guessing that two very free and independent minds cannot completely feel like they belong to each other and when I find a new somebody, someday, I hope I will feel this feeling of belonging to someone – in a healthy, loving way.
I felt I had to write something to you and even though I spend my time scribbling in my notebooks, to me there\’s nothing more calming than to write on my blog, my own little space on the Internet and knowing no one will judge me for having feelings. It\’s like a diary except I can write faster. I feel like we\’ve lost the urge to write on paper and although I still try to force myself to do it to keep a trace of a real life of mine, it\’s getting harder to take the time in a life I\’ve taken to always being fast-paced.
You\’re currently sitting in front of me, probably reading a manga on your phone or playing a game – your own passions. Those are passions I couldn\’t understand very well and looking back, I feel like you have grown a lot during the five years we\’ve spent together. More than I have but now is not the time for counting blessings and niceties. Because although you are colorblind, you have always listened to me babbling about makeup endlessly even when you didn\’t understand half of what I was saying. I didn\’t. I did at first but sometimes when I don\’t understand something, I don\’t pay attention to it anymore. I feel like I have to thank you.
Without you, or without you being present in my life – I do believe in destiny – I would not be a makeup artist. I began my blog and my first YouTube channel when I met you and since then you\’ve encouraged me to become better and better in my art and passion – color. We had hard times. We had struggles and I am sorry for that. I am sorry for being the source of some of our struggles and sadly looking back, most of the time I couldn\’t have done it another way.
I was so young when we met, I turned 19 when we were two months into our relationship and I will be turning 25 in two months. I didn\’t know crap about life. I didn\’t know who I was, I still don\’t and I am sure that my moving to London will change a lot of things for me and about me.
About that, I am very excited. The filter I applied on that photo is funny enough because it reminds me of The Cry by Edvard Munch, one of my favorite paintings. And it reminds me of how I felt at the end of our relationship, when you\’re trying to make it work but you know you\’re not really into it so you don\’t bother too much. About that, I am sorry. For not leaving sooner when I knew it would save both of us time to grow in a healthier way. And for making you feel the weight of my pain and sadness because I just couldn\’t make up my mind. A month ago, I was still young. I was still afraid of losing you, or maybe losing myself when I\’d lose you. And it\’s like I\’ve grown ten years since we parted. I now have a focus on what I want to do with my life. It\’s like my life was in parenthesis when I was with you. I was afraid of finding my truth and I was postponing all the things I wanted to do in life even though you encouraged me over and over again to live my life to the fullest.
But I knew I could never live my life to the fullest here in Paris or anywhere else in France. I need to move and I need to travel and I need to be out of my comfort zone, where I\’ll be so busy trying to make it that I\’ll forget that it\’s sometimes painful to be on my own. I\’m afraid but it\’s an excited afraid. Of course, I will not forget you. You taught me so much. How to become a little more patient. How to be a little bit more calm. How to go forward when I\’m in pain, how to appreciate someone\’s presence during a hard time. Like when you were here when my grandmother passed away. How to put up with another strong mind, even though I never really learned that in the end.
Mostly, it\’s thanks that I\’m giving you. I\’m getting ready to leave for a new life in another country and you\’re once again supportive. Sometimes I feel like it\’s because you never loved me enough but I cannot think that. You love me so much that you\’re ready to let go of me because you know that\’s the thing to do. And that\’s one of the saddest things in that breakup – we are not even trying to get back together because there is nothing to put together. It is just the end of an era and there is nothing to do about it. I, for one, cannot force myself. We\’re not in the same place, our characters most definitely do not match and we\’ve broken up as adults while I\’ve lived almost our entire relationship as a childish woman. I cannot thank life enough for throwing this pain my way because dealing with it is making me stronger a woman.
Now I want to be free. I want to walk the world and eat crazy things and get to know new people and be lonely sometimes, alone mostly and I want to learn. A lot of things, anything. I want to be happy about little things like spending the New Year in London, maybe Christmas at a friend\’s, spending time reading a book alone in a park, getting hit on by someone new, being afraid and being excited at life. My name means Smile, and I want my smile to show at life. And then someday, I hope I will find someone I trust with all my heart, if it\’s even possible for me to give that much of myself to somebody. And I hope you find your soulmate. I hope she drives you crazy – good crazy. And that she makes you the happiest man on Earth because you have a heart that big and you need someone that truly appreciates all the love pouring from your being.
I thank you for being smart and kind and human enough to put up with my crap when you didn\’t have to. I always knew somewhere that this relationship wouldn\’t last and it was more of a \”when\” rather than \”if\” we would part in my mind but looking back, I really appreciate this time we\’ve spent with each other and this part of the road we\’ve walked together.
As I\’m writing this, I\’m listening to I Lived by OneRepublic – it makes me think of you so hard. Because I wish you only the best in life. You are a few years ahead of me but please, don\’t become old. Do you, get out of your comfort zone – if there\’s one thing I hope I taught you, it\’s doing crazy things just to push your limits. Keep traveling, enjoy time with your friends and keep them. I know you never had very close friends for very long close to you and now that you know you want to stay put, just enjoy your friends and your passions as much as you can. I remember our first months listening to Avicii\’s The Nights over and over again and as I am going to abide by what is said in the song, I hope you do too. Be happy, it\’s just the beginning.