I\’m back to my old habits. I\’m trying hard to stay away from sugar. I\’ve already written some thoughts and feelings about being a Sugar Junkie a few weeks ago and I need to share how bad I feel about sugar and processed foods.
For some time now, I\’ve been buying organic veggie boxes that farmers sell and deliver to collecting points in and around Paris and I\’ve been loving cooking myself good, nutritious meals, I can say that I eat almost exclusively this kind of whole foods now. I eat less and less meat and fish because I don\’t really like the smell or taste or it sometimes costs a little too much for my budget but mostly I don\’t really like it and would like to go vegetarian. Sometimes I feel myself leaning towards the vegan side of life, I\’ve got those moments I\’d rather eat nothing but plant-based foods. But I\’ve been paying attention to my macros (protein, carbs and fat) for over 9 months now and it\’s hard to transition and find the same amount of protein without the animal protein. Also, I really like eggs and cheese and I don\’t want to give that up.
Lately, on the days I\’m not working (two days a week now), sometimes I\’ll wake up in the morning, not having slept enough most of the time and I\’ll say to myself : \”Mmh, I\’d like me some cake, some cheesecake, some sugary food\”. And three times up to now, I\’ve either ordered my cakes via UberEats or walked to a very good bakery that I have close to my home and I have bought three to five cakes, the ones that appealed to me most in the windowshop. And that\’s hard on me. I\’m trying to tell myself : \”Okay, now that you\’re out of the house, just walk past the bakery, and walk on, don\’t get anything\”. And the worst thing is, now that I\’m doing OMAD (Intermittent Fasting in One Meal A Day), I feel guilty because I\’m eating at a time I shouldn\’t be eating so I\’m not abiding by the rules I set myself for my own health and I\’m eating crap, far from nutritious food that makes my stomach rumble and feel full and shitty afterwards. I don\’t think this is bulimia if I don\’t vomit the food after I\’ve eaten it. But it certainly doesn\’t feel good to eat sugar anymore.
Two days ago, I went to this special bakery close to home that I very much like and ordered three cakes to eat in. The waitress gave me several spoons and after I told her that it was all for me anyway, she looked so surprised. I told her ; \”Yeah, I love sugar so that\’s my treat\” but I\’m thinking that three cakes in one go might be a bit big of a treat. I\’ve always loved sugar, as far as I can remember and I was always the kind to eat the whole pack of candy or the whole of the chocolate bar. After I left, having eaten myself full and nasty, I didn\’t even remember the taste of the cakes. And then I understood that there\’s no more adrenaline, no more happiness, no more sweet thoughts when I\’ve eaten that sugar. I continue to buy it because it reminds me of the times when it felt good.
I used to go to that bakery with my friends when I was at makeup school and I loved discovering the taste their homemade cakes brought. I don\’t go to makeup school anymore, I don\’t go to that bakery with those friends anymore. It just doesn\’t feel good anymore. It\’s over. Eating sugar and cakes and stuff of the like doesn\’t create new happy memories. It just doesn\’t anymore and I can\’t wrap my head around it. It feels like an obsession, like I have to do it, and that drug doesn\’t bring me happiness anymore and I have to buy more and more to feel good and that drug is actually leaving my body, because it doesn\’t have any effect on me anymore except something bad. That\’s my cue for quitting, it seems like. I\’m afraid I won\’t find anything to replace those good feelings I had at the time. I\’m afraid I have to stay hooked because I\’ll be lost otherwise. I feel afraid and I find it\’s very hard to change. I have to let go and it\’s frightening to let go.
The act of buying sugar sets me back a tenner or a twenty every time and that\’s a lot, actually close to how much I spend for my weekly groceries. I was sitting just outside of that bakery, I was eating, cake after cake and I turned Netflix on because I needed to watch something while I was eating, a bad habit that\’s getting worse and worse because I don\’t even remember that I\’ve eaten whereas most of the time I\’ve got only one meal a day. I also turned Netflix on because I didn\’t want to meet the gaze of people passing by and feel shameful.
Yet that very same day, I ate out with my boyfriend and I asked for a sweet dessert. The order of my food isn\’t the same anymore when I eat at home, I eat my main dish first, then salad, then my fruit and then cheese and almonds or nuts. I don\’t want to finish with fruit because I know that when you finish with sugar, you\’re more likely to be hungry soon after and my brain becomes a little bit foggy the day after. I made an exception and we got an excellent cheesecake slice from a place called Freddy\’s BBQ in Paris and that I enjoyed. I was with my boyfriend and I enjoyed every piece of the cake, which I found to be too small because I definitely have some trouble with portion control when it comes to sugar. But I enjoyed it. I need to eat sugar with other people around. I feel alcoholic. Sugarholic.
When I went to the bakery, it didn\’t even feel like a want, it felt like a need, there was this voice telling me, \”Well, go, tomorrow you won\’t get cakes\”. But on the day I\’m writing, this morning, I was asking myself whether I should get an UberEats to get some cakes again. This has got to stop. It didn\’t feel like a want as I was walking to the cakeshop. I didn\’t feel anything, it all felt dry, like time was stopping, The red lights weren\’t turning green fast enough, my head was all blurry.
I\’m trying to cut down on sugar. I will allow myself more fruit, more dark chocolate, not restrain myself because I want a life. A life where you know that refined sugar and flour can totally be cut out without any risks for health is harder to lead because I was raised like that, I was trained to eat like that and I\’m only finally trying to get the courage to say no. My palate isn\’t even able to recognize those plastic things I put in my mouth, those unnatural, harmful things. And my stomach even less, and makes me feel so weird and bad when they\’re in my system. I will get better.